How does a person get here…to this place. Ready to face the unknown. Battle their demons. Fight the good fight. Get in the front seat of their life and paddle out?
There’s no magic algorithm for this stuff. We all have our own path and curious things that make us tick. In truth it happens in those little quiet moments way more that it does in these big romantic gestures of living. If i look back far enough, I can see that little through line. Those little moments where I chose to follow my gut regardless of the consequences. Life is brilliant that way.
I was at the very top of my gigantic mountain. Workaholic, detached, full of anxiety attacks and mood swings, isolated, afraid of love, closed, rigid and full of sadness and impossibly numb. I’d even adopted this unworthy posture and fused myself there as if to sacrifice myself for others for the rest of my life. I was stuck! I found purpose there in all of that, in my sad little story. Happily climbing and enduring always going “somewhere.” Chasing anything that brought my attention away from the present reality.
I remember the day I put the finishing touch on my beautiful apartment. It was a huge achievement, first solo apartment in fucking Los Angeles and a huge promotion at work in a few months. Then I heard a voice inside me saying. “When you’re done with it, let me know.” I don’t want to take anything away from this. I worked so freaking hard and I really ‘earned’ that. I’ve even met some outrageously delightful people along the way.
I was freaked out of course. I’d just pushed play of the ride of a lifetime. I couldn’t wait to have people over to share my space with two blocks from the beach.
I never shook the obvious truth of that voice that day. Truth has a funny way of sticking around. At the start of Covid, I finally started getting serious about my body. I looked in the mirror with no more distractions or holes to hide from myself in. I knew that I disliked myself deeply, and I was in a world of pain. I really didn’t know what I was going to do about it.
Living out these big questions started quite simply for me. I didn’t have enough motivation to love myself properly, so I had a few lovely friends mirror some my way. My friend and mentor Mark asked if I’d like to log on and do virtual workouts 3 times a week at 5:30AM. He suggested the Calm app, so I could start learning about mindfulness and mental health. Then I bought myself a subscription to a cool yoga, surf lifestyle app with these whole vibrant women who I looked up to.
I always thought my life was this grand gesture of living, and it truly was in a million ways. It was just laced with some volatile landmines, poor emotional regulation behaviors, and deep unresolved fear. This isn’t about judgment, perfection, or lack. Some ledger of rights and wrongs.
This is about healing and self compassion. This is about living in peace with authentic joy. This is living in the front seat aware of the dark parts, ready to patiently allow it surface and fall away.
